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A Lost Condom and the Resultant Celibacy Vow

DISCLAIMER: The title of this blog is as descriptive as possible to give you fair warning to not read further if you don’t want/can’t handle the details. If you’d prefer not to read about losing a condom, please look at the top of your screen and find either the ‘x’ to the right or the back arrow to the left…then use it.LostCondom

Before I can begin sharing the lost (read: untold) stories from 2012, I have to tell this one. The blog posts to follow this one (of other untold 2012 stories) will make most sense only if this story is told first. In fact, I think my posts last year were so non-existant because I didn’t want to tell this story. Luckily, I’ve gotten over that. So here goes.

It was late 2011, I was planning to spend an evening with HLF, and had every intention on that evening ending in sex. As planned, we ended up in bed together. About five minutes in (ha! did you catch that double entendre?) he pulled out and announced that the condom had slipped off. Hmmm, well where is it? The condom was nowhere to be found. It was lost…inside me. Sparing you the details of searching for the condom, you really just need to know that it was not found that evening. Of course this killed the mood. I wished HLF goodbye and he headed out. I went to bed frustrated and worried, but assuming that the condom would eventually tire of playing hide and seek and work its way out of my body.

Fast forward two days and the condom had yet to reveal itself. So, I did what what was natural – I googled my situation. Luckily, there are plenty of women who apparently have this issue, and I found a nice article from Cosmo Magazine telling me how to properly fish for lost condoms. Following Cosmo’s sage advice, I retrieved the lost condom, flushed it, and headed straight to my local drug store to retrieve my Plan B pill. As I paid for the pill, I commented on expensiveness to the pharmacist, a mother of 3. She looked at me and said “Trust me, it’s cheaper than actually having a child.” I agreed and went home to prevent the possibility of mothering HLF’s child.

Fifty bucks, one pill, and a glass of water later, I sent HLF a text message: It sure is expensive not having your babies. His reply: Hunh? I told him that I’d finally found the condom on day 3 (and thank God for that! You only have 72 hours to take Plan B and have it work). He expressed surprise that it took so long. I replied by telling him that I had no intention on having sex again anytime soon. He replied with respectful understanding.

Although HLF probably thought I meant no sex with him anytime soon, I eventually came to realize that I just meant no sex. Period. Losing that condom really made me consider the thought of whether there was a man whose child I’d be willing to have out of wedlock. And the answer to that is a simple no. I enjoy sex when it’s with the right person, but the title of “right person for sex” has not yet in my life also aligned with the title of “right person for life partnership”. The thought of potentially being pregnant with HLF’s child was quite terrifying for me. I always enjoy spending time with him. We have a great time hanging out and have never had any arguments in 15 years of knowing each other. I enjoy snuggling up to him, kissing him, and sex with him. Yet, I can’t imagine trying to build a life with him. I think part of the reason why we get along is because our relationship is casual and easygoing. I’m not sure we’d like each other as much if our relationship was complicated with a pregnancy or an official title. So, I took a step back from HLF and sex before entering 2012.

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Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Celibacy Vow, Reflection

 

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Why Some Men Never Learn

Here’s the scene: Brian (a friend) and I were on a road trip. I’m on my phone. His phone rings, a female’s face pops up on the screen, and he answers. Some time later we both get off the phone and the following conversation ensues.

Brian: I don’t understand you women.
 
Me: What are you talking about?
 
Brian: [scoffs] Calling me talking about another man.
 
Me: Hunh?
 
Brian: I don’t understand y’all. She called me to ask me about her relationship with somebody else. I don’t care nothing about that dude.
 
Me: Okay.
 
Brian: You can’t call me asking about somebody else when you still call me sometimes to tell me you miss me, you want me to come visit, and all that stuff.
 

This conversation went on for a while until, he hit me with the purpose of this blog…

Brian: I mean, as far as I’m concerned, until a woman gets married, I am the only man she has ever been with.
 
Me: Whaaat?!??
 
Brian: …or until she has a baby. [pauses] Nah, not even a baby. Until she gets married. I don’t want to think about her with some other man. Yep, until a woman gets married I am the only one.
 

There’s a lesson in this conversation. As nonsensical as Brian’s foolishness sounded to me, it gave me a clear view into the often twisted male mind. According to Brian’s rule, he will always and forever have an opening with any and every woman in his past, until marriage do them part. Unless some other man stakes an official public claim to her, he will believe that he has a chance to rekindle whatever relationship they once shared.

I have often wondered why some man who I haven’t spoken to, been nice to, or responded to in a length of time (sometimes months, sometimes years) would waste time (both his and mine) by contacting me and attempting to (re)connect. And this answers my question…probably because he’s too damn dumb to realize that he has no chance. Thus, it does no good to be rude or dismissive in hopes that he will catch a clue. The only way some men will leave is if you marry. And here I sit eternally single and apparently an option for any and every man with whom I ever spent time.

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2012 in Dating, Marriage

 

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Why Unavailable Men are Attractive

Although I’ve sworn off unavailable men and have done a damn good job of keeping to that vow (even in the face of extreme temptation), I have a confession…

The longer I remain single, the conference mistress position becomes more and more attractive. It’s perfectly suited to meet my busy schedule and mutually beneficial. Here are all the perks of being someone’s conference mistress:

(1) Time. You don’t have to worry about a man being around regularly, drawing on your time, emotions, and energy when you clearly have other things to be doing. Likewise, he doesn’t have to worry about you contacting him when he is with his wife/girlfriend/fiance/family.

(2) The Benefits Package. It’s guaranteed wining and dining, and possibly sex, in between conference commitments and during a time when you’re already on a semi-break/pseudo-vacation from your regular schedule.

(3) Experience. That wedding ring is like a 15 page CV detailing a man’s experience in wooing women. As a conference mistress, you have a guarantee that this man comes pre-trained (by his wife/girlfriend/fiance) to say and do the right things when in a romantic situation.

(4) The Ease of Termination. This man is married, and yet he’s willing to keep company with a woman who is not his wife in a high-stakes environment (one crawling with his colleagues and the adoring fans of his scholarship and work). Thus, he has good reason to keep your name out of his mouth and the streets. You can rest assured that there won’t be any awkward situations or fear of being slandered…even when those pesky morals kick up and you decide to terminate the “relationship”.

And this one is just a bonus, but…

(5) Community Service. There are apparently tons of married women out there who wish their man would have an affair. Yep, they actually wish their husbands who are so upstanding and faithful would do something exciting and non-boring like step out on their marriage. And what’s better – the conference mistress gets to shed her image as a closet whore and assume one of a Good Samaritan. I mean, if his wife is on board, who on Earth is left to judge you?

For clarification, yes, I agree that it’s sad that I’ve thought this through and can articulate reasons why unavailable men are such an attractive option. But, seriously, what could be better than a man who I’m attracted to and enjoy spending time with, who wants to blow time and money on me, but who I  don’t have to see or speak to on a regular basis?! You romantics would probably say that all of that in a man who you get to see and love is much better. I’m just not there yet, I suppose.

To the women who believe they have a good relationship and ask, “Why can’t you just go get your own man?” Here’s the answer: I could, but then he’d be around all the time. Your man is a good option because, at some point, he’s got to go back to you and leave me alone. It’s like watching people’s children – the highlight is often that I can engage with them on my schedule, and when I’m done I get to send them home.

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in Conference Season, Dating, Marriage

 

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He has a crush on me…now what?

This post seems so appropriate following “the talk.” Earlier this month, I mentioned that I’d been learning to be more open in my dating profile. So here’s the deal:

I met this man while out shopping. He approached me in the store, told me how beautiful I was, and that he was new to town. Here is this young, black man, not my type but easy enough on the eyes, complimentary, and up front with his intentions and baggage. In a twenty minute conversation, we learned each others’ back stories and found commonalities between ourselves. He left with my phone number and I left cautious, yet flattered. It was like some oddly awkward and exciting version of speed dating. After that, I went two days without hearing from him. Then, on a random Tuesday afternoon, while at work my office phone rang. I answered, and he said “This is Dominic. I don’t want you to think I’m a stalker or anything, but I couldn’t read my own handwriting [chuckles]. You were right that your name is very unique. I was able to find your contact information at work right away.” After a conversation that felt like a second date, and giving him my phone number again, we made plans for dinner later than evening. Fast forward 5 movie nights, 3 Dominic-cooked meals, 3 outings with my friends, 2 dessert nights, 2 quickies, 1 sleep over, and 4 weeks later…and this man tells me that he has a crush on me. Rather than being flattered, I was caught off guard and reacted with sarcasm and a tinge of jealousy.

So now, you’re probably trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with a crush. The answer to that lies in the details I’ve left out–the most important of which is his girlfriend. Yes, you read correctly. He has a girlfriend. She lives several states away, which leaves his free time completely open to court me and whomever else his heart desires. The girlfriend wasn’t a dealbreaker for me upon meeting him, because he was forthcoming with his relationship status and direct in telling me that the relationship was rocky. His subsequent behavior led me to believe that everything he’d told me originally was true. Then came a weekend when we were both planning to travel–I was taking a family vacation and he was planning a mini-road trip. As I drove to the airport, he and I were on the phone discussing our respective weekend plans. In the midst of that discussion…

Dom: Well you know Kaye is coming this weekend.

Me: Who?

Dom: Kaye.

Me: Ray?

Dom: Kaye.

Me: Who is Ray?

Dom: You know, the girl from [insert hometown here].

Me: [thinking: Girl?! Maybe he didn’t just say Ray…Did he say Kaye? From ____? Oh hell naw…his girlfiriend?]Don’t act like I know her name. We never talk about her. I thought you were going to [next state over] this weekend.

Dom: I am. I’m off until Tuesday.

That was a wake up call for me. First off, “the girl from home” is not the same thing as “my girlfriend.” Secondly, a girlfriend who is coming to visit you, and for whom you are taking vacation days, is not the same thing as the other half of a relationship that’s on the rocks. Suddenly, I realized that I had found myself right back in the place that I didn’t want to be–as a wedge in the middle of an otherwise functional(?) relationship.

Since that day, I’ve attempted to bow out of the contest for his attention and affection. We talk a lot less, but we still see each other frequently enough (i.e. 2 weeks, 2 movie nights, 1 Dom-cooked meal, 2 outings with my friends, and 1 dessert night have happened since I made the decision to fall back). It’s a little difficult to shake him, because (as previously mentioned) he’s new to town and I’m his first-friend-in-a-new-place-crutch. I’ve introduced him to people, but he would rather hold onto his crutch (me) than strike out on his own. For example, when people invite him places, rather than just responding, he checks with me to see if I’m planning to go first. It’s odd…but anyway back to the story: So…when he looked me in my eye and announced his “crush” two nights ago, it sounded more like tired game to me than flattery. That tends to happen when I listen with one ear focused on reality. Here’s how that went…

Dom: I can’t help it that I have a crush on you. I like you. I like seeing you. Have you noticed that I only come out places when you’re around? I come because I hope that I’ll get to see you. I have a crush on you.

Me: Well Im crushable.

Dom: That you are.

Me: Yep. Crushable. Just not datable.

Dom: What do you mean? I think you’re datable. I’d date you.

Me: That’s a moot point. You have a girlfriend.

Dom: Who I’m clearly not worried about. I like you. You’re pretty…

Me: Well thank you

Dom: …and you have a good heart.

Me: I *do* have a good heart…

Dom:  I can tell that. I watch you.

Me: …but you on the other hand…you’re more like an asshole. [sidebar: he really can be quite rude to people]

Dom: I know! But you balance me out…in so many ways. You’ve got a good heart. I’m an ass. You’re brown. I’m light-skinned…

That conversation was like a minature version of “the talk” for me. Though it didn’t lend me much clarity on where he stands, it helped me clarify where I stand. I’m not flattered by Dominic’s crush, and even if he were free to date me, I don’t think I am able to trust him in a monogamous relationship.  

Moving on. I’ve really got to figure out how to move out of this zone where people have crushes on me to a place where they actually want to (and are free to) date me. Once I get to datable, I’ll be looking for the road signs that point me towards marry-able. I’m trying to make moves out here!

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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Sick.

This is the first guest blog for sbfchronicle.com. It was written by my friend NOLAgirl, and it tells her story of cycling in and out of relationships with the same man. The theme Song for this blog is “Lovesick” by Priscilla Renea. Enjoy!_________________________________________________________________________________________

When I was 19, I met a 6’4” chocolaty man that I KNEW would give me pretty babies. We had speech class right after lunch together. After that, I would usually speed off to Accounting class. That pattern changed one day when it rained. Thank God for rain! He wanted to use my umbrella to go back to his apartment, and in order to get it he had to walk with me to my dorm first. It was LOVE. I knew it was love, even though he thought it was just lust and the possibility of good sex. So we broke up because even at 19 I knew I was NOT that girl.

At 21 I saw him again; he was thicker and still fine, with a child in tow. I was so blind to the situation that I fell happily, stupidly, giddily in love with him…and I mean the kind of love where every song on the radio was about him and being in love with him. I graduated and went back home. He graduated and did the same. I lived in New Orleans and he lived in Dallas. So sure was I about our love that I believed the long distance would work. In the whirlwind of young love bliss, I was ready and willing to leave the comfort of New Orleans and my family to live in Texas (this was pre Katrina so my hate of the state was not yet formed). I just needed more than “I want you here” from him. I was 24, and I needed the promise or at least the hope of marriage and pretty babies before I was 27. But alas, he did not want immediate marriage, I did not want shacking up, he could not bend, and I would not break so again we parted.

This is where I should insert that Einstein said (at least according to other people) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Continuing on…when in 2006 I got a phone call of missed love fresh from the Air Force training, I assumed it was actually MISSED LOVE. Instead, it turned out to be that a person in basic training misses a companion with a soft body, full hips and apple bottom more than anything else. He came out of training on the prowl, and who was a comfortable go to girl? Me. It’s not that I don’t think I meant more to him than that, but I know that I did not mean everything I wanted to mean to him.

**side note: a man fresh out of basic training is FINE. I think the heartbreak was almost worth being with a man that had been around men for 6 weeks working out, perfecting his stamina. It’s the closest I will ever come to fresh outta prison sex (I hope)

We again embarked on the same relationship where very little changed but I somehow expected it to work out. This time the crash and burn was not a full year later, but a few months. Heartbroken and in tears, I knew this was our final goodbye. I was 27. It had been 8 years. I could not, would not, ever again in life…and yet, there was still a part of me that at least wished he wanted to.

So imagine my surprise, when for my 32nd birthday a week ago, I got a call. I was at the Essence Festival concert, dancing and singing/screaming to New Edition. Thus, I could not answer the phone, but I knew that I liked the name on the phone (yes, I updated him in every phone, though I did remove the lewd pictures). I have not had a conversation with this man since 2007, so my return call was first greeted with simple catch up chitchat. The conversation quickly moved to “you were always the one for me”, “I never stopped loving you”, and “I miss you”. Still aware of the reality, I replied with, “You miss having sex with me, you broke my heart, 32 year old [me] is not 22 year old [me] and I can’t do this with you again.” I know this man enough to understand that his “I miss you” is more about him missing one aspect of us. The difference between him and me is that I loved every aspect of us. He may want one thing, and in all of my weakness I want to give it to him fully, freely, and lovingly. But I know that I can’t or at least that I shouldn’t. There are some people in this world I can have sex with because they do things I like well, and it can be just that: consensual fun. With this one, though, I will not leave like I came. I will want more and fall in love again and get heartbroken again.

Jill Scott said, “me non-clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible.” The thing is that I remember what it felt like to be with a person that I believed was the 10—my perfect vision of what I wanted in a mate, in a man, from a friend, from a lover.  But at 32 years old, I know where this is headed and I know it won’t end well. I would have to be clearly insane to run back to familiar. And I must be crazy, because I can readily admit to myself, if not to him, that I still want this man.

Cher had hits in every decade. I can’t let him break my heart now for my 30’s. He did it when I was a  teen, in my twenties x 2! But now?! When will I be the smarter person?

Author: NOLAgirl

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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Questions

Theme song for this post: \”Happy After\” – Algebra Blessett

These are the types of questions that roam around in my head:

  • Would the world be a kinder place if more people took care to guard their hearts?
  • Are all the “good men” really gay, married, or man whores?
  • If women like Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, & Eva Longoria can’t keep a man faithful to them, is it foolish for me to believe that I will one day achieve monogamous bliss?
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more men on a constant high?
  • Is the way to a man’s heart truly through his stomach?
  • Is it really possible to love both God and premarital sex?
  • How many happily married couples actually abstained from sex prior to marriage?
  • Why is virginity something that people lose? Can’t the idea of the first sexual encounter be made into something more positive–maybe something gained?
  • If you wait 30+ years to have sex for the first time, is it possible that you’ll dislike your first time so much that you’ll want to abstain for another 30+ years?
  • Can a woman really be too strong or independent?
  • Has technology really screwed up the idea of a proper courtship?
  • Are all men really the same?
  • Is a woman with advanced degrees intimidating to men with less formal education?
  • Are online dating and speed dating the new dating?
  • Is it ever okay to date a good friend’s ex-boo thang?
  • Why is “happily ever after” so damn hard to achieve?
  • When did life get so effing complicated?

If you’ve got some answers, I’d love to hear (read) them.

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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The middle (part 2 – cliché attitudes)

The middle (part 2 – cliché attitudes)

This next story along the journey of learning lessons from the single black men in my life is that of a man who I like to refer to as PJ, the persistent juvie. This man was the first of all the juvies to enter my life a couple of years ago when I was bombarded with young men who were too far my junior for even my tastes. Well, he’s still around, still persisting, and still 6 years younger than me.PJ and I had the chance to talk a few weeks ago, and I mean seriously talk. I can usually never spend time with PJ or have a conversation with him that doesn’t include him inserting some side comment about the possibility of the two of us becoming a couple. With the understanding that I have decided to never date him, I often encourage PJ to actually pursue and date someone…anyone. His response is always the same: not interested in dating anyone else…blah blah…wants to wait for me to come around…yada yada…will not accept matchmaker help from me of all people…hoo ha…that’s the final word on the subject. Well, this one conversation with PJ was different. He actually opened up to me about his experiences with other women

PJ: I’m not sure why I’m about to talk to you about this…maybe because of your experience and wisdom, I feel like you can offer something…

Me: [good job, PJ. you just called me old]

PJ: It seems like anytime I meet somebody, we end up sleeping together right away…

Me [oh wow…we’re about to have a *real* conversation…such a drastic change from normal. maybe this means he’ll finally stop trying to talk to me. perfecto!]

PJ: It’s like even if we both say that we don’t want to do that, we end up having sex like 2 or 3 days in. It’s crazy it just keeps happening. And then, after that I’m not sure I want to date her. It’s like if I slept with her that quick, everyone else probably does too. You know?

This led to a conversation about how it can be difficult to maintain your morals (or even just your resolve to remain chaste with a particular person) when you are really attracted to a person.

Me: Well, you know, she could be thinking the exact same thing about you. She could think that you’re easy because she was able to sleep with *you* so quickly, so maybe you shouldn’t dismiss people so quickly. 

PJ: Dang, I never thought about it like that.

Me: The other thing is that if both people have already said that they don’t want to have sex right away, then it’s also up to both people to stick to that. However, in circumstances where people are moving towards sex, especially for the first time, people often don’t talk. Both people can be waiting for the other person to pull the plug, and both people would likely be okay if the other one said stop…especially since both have already said that they want to wait. However, I think that in those instances, women often look to the man to be a strong voice and to guide things. Think about it like this: If I’ve already told you that I don’t want to have sex then I expect you to respect that and, as the man in this scenario, I want for you to tell me no. And if you don’t tell me no and we have sex when I’d already told you this was something I didn’t want to do, then I’m less likely to want to continue to spend time with you.

PJ: Yeah, I guess so. I really hadn’t ever thought about any of that…that she could think I was easy too. I should be trying to wait for sex…I guess that’s what you’ve been trying to teach me, hunh? [sly grin]

Me: [dismissal of that last comment]

As I reflect back on this conversation with PJ and try to pinpoint what new information it taught me along this journey of (a) accepting men where they are and (b) understanding the obstacles that lie ahead in my quest to date black men, I’m left with this:

  1. Sometimes the way men view women is just as simplistic as how it has been portrayed in every black-centered B movie ever made. Not to say that men are simplistic beings, but sometimes the thought process really is surface level.
  2. At times when a man or woman has decided what their intentions are with a potential mate, the end result will be better if that decision is respected…even if said potential mate isn’t aware of said decision. We sould all agree to be ourselves and to be confident and comfortable being ourselves.

NEXT POST: The middle (part 3)

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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