Tag Archives: married men

Why Unavailable Men are Attractive

Although I’ve sworn off unavailable men and have done a damn good job of keeping to that vow (even in the face of extreme temptation), I have a confession…

The longer I remain single, the conference mistress position becomes more and more attractive. It’s perfectly suited to meet my busy schedule and mutually beneficial. Here are all the perks of being someone’s conference mistress:

(1) Time. You don’t have to worry about a man being around regularly, drawing on your time, emotions, and energy when you clearly have other things to be doing. Likewise, he doesn’t have to worry about you contacting him when he is with his wife/girlfriend/fiance/family.

(2) The Benefits Package. It’s guaranteed wining and dining, and possibly sex, in between conference commitments and during a time when you’re already on a semi-break/pseudo-vacation from your regular schedule.

(3) Experience. That wedding ring is like a 15 page CV detailing a man’s experience in wooing women. As a conference mistress, you have a guarantee that this man comes pre-trained (by his wife/girlfriend/fiance) to say and do the right things when in a romantic situation.

(4) The Ease of Termination. This man is married, and yet he’s willing to keep company with a woman who is not his wife in a high-stakes environment (one crawling with his colleagues and the adoring fans of his scholarship and work). Thus, he has good reason to keep your name out of his mouth and the streets. You can rest assured that there won’t be any awkward situations or fear of being slandered…even when those pesky morals kick up and you decide to terminate the “relationship”.

And this one is just a bonus, but…

(5) Community Service. There are apparently tons of married women out there who wish their man would have an affair. Yep, they actually wish their husbands who are so upstanding and faithful would do something exciting and non-boring like step out on their marriage. And what’s better – the conference mistress gets to shed her image as a closet whore and assume one of a Good Samaritan. I mean, if his wife is on board, who on Earth is left to judge you?

For clarification, yes, I agree that it’s sad that I’ve thought this through and can articulate reasons why unavailable men are such an attractive option. But, seriously, what could be better than a man who I’m attracted to and enjoy spending time with, who wants to blow time and money on me, but who I  don’t have to see or speak to on a regular basis?! You romantics would probably say that all of that in a man who you get to see and love is much better. I’m just not there yet, I suppose.

To the women who believe they have a good relationship and ask, “Why can’t you just go get your own man?” Here’s the answer: I could, but then he’d be around all the time. Your man is a good option because, at some point, he’s got to go back to you and leave me alone. It’s like watching people’s children – the highlight is often that I can engage with them on my schedule, and when I’m done I get to send them home.


Posted by on March 17, 2012 in Conference Season, Dating, Marriage


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Getting what you give

A wise and insightful friend left a comment on my last post that has been on my mind ever since I first read it. Here’s what she wrote:

Maybe you find your self attracting men who are already attached/ somewhat attached is because YOU are attached to something or someone else in your subconscious. Perhaps an old flame or old idea of love. You know we only attract what we put out… So what are you putting out in the universe?

I think it’s a great question…and it’s probably exactly the reason (other than being mistress age) why I attract an inordinate number of married men. I attract men who are unavailable because I am also unavailable. In addition to the several standing commitments I have on a weekly basis, I am attempting to both write a dissertation and search/apply for full-time jobs. My schedule operates on the academic calendar, and on the scholarly schedule of my field. At any given point in the year, I am researching, writing, and preparing to submit or present one or more conference proposals, conference presentations, conference papers, or journal manuscripts. The point: my time is over-committed and unavailable and I’m usually much more tired than I am interested in leisure activities and outings.

It’s really amazing that I meet any men at all given how much my social activities are built to overlap with my academic and professional life…but it’s also not surprising that most of the men I meet also lead ultra-committed lives. There is a key difference between these men and me: a large portion of their commitments are to women whom they married, while mine are to my professional life. But at the end of the day, I guess we’re both unavailable…and I get what I give.


Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Dating, Marriage, Reflection


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A quick note on reaching mistress age

This mistress age thing comes up a lot in regular conversation for me. Usually I’m engaged in convo with a female who is describing all of the syptoms of mistress age, but does not yet have the proper terminology (mistress age) for it. The last conversation of this nature sent me to the internet to search for other information on women who have reached the age of mistress-dom.

Here’s what I found: X / 2 + 7.

This is apparently the mathematical formula men should use to determine the optimum age of their next mistress. In this case, X = the man’s age. As a note, if the man’s age is an odd number, he is directed to round down after dividing by 2. For those who have no desire to do these simple calculations themselves, there is a very nice chart provided which matches ages 22-55 with the proper age for their mistress (18-34).

Apparently, at 30 years old, I am fair game for men aged 46 or 47. It’s a little off from my experiences, as most of the married men who make passes at me at about 36-39 in age, and the single ones are either babies (clustering around age 22) or old enough to have fathered me (54+, divorced with children old enough to have resulted from the teenage pregnancy I never had).

Anyhoo, y’all should check out the chart. Regardless of whether or not it’s true, it’s at least entertaining.


Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Marriage


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Kappa Konclave 2011: Heaven, Purgatory, and Hell

Continuing on with the guest blogging theme, my girl Jazzy Belle was ever so gracious to share a glimpse of what went down when the men of Kappa Alpha Psi made their centennial pilgrimage to their fraternity’s birthplace…with an extra special word of caution to any woman who has the pleasure of calling one of these men her boo, husband, plus one, boyfriend, jump off, maintenance man, or any other label with a similar meaning. Read on! _____________________________________________________________________________________________

Last weekend I had the pleasure of partying with the men of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. during their Centennial Konclave in Indianapolis.  (First, let me be clear so that you don’t think I’m a Kappa groupie/sweetheart/diamond: I live in the Indianapolis area so there was no travel or major investment required on my part.) So, as I reminisced over the weekend with the Nupes I realized that my weekend can best be described by comparing to the three different types of afterlife experiences. Go with me on this.


This is obvious. There were tens of thousands of Black men who attended college all crammed in about five city blocks. What’s more is that this is Indianapolis, Indiana. So unlike DC, Atlanta, or any other city that matters, there are FAR fewer women here. The ratio of men to women is like 5,000 to one. Okay not really, but there are Crimson and Creme men everywhere. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, light ones, dark ones were there for the picking. For once in my life in a (mainly) heterosexual environment I could sing the song “It’s Raining Men! HALLELUJAH”

But it was great, because since Kappa Konclave was some weird Twilight Zone where women were rare, dudes were hella chatty without being annoyingly thirsty. All the parties were free for women and dudes just wanted to chat and flirt. All around wins.  Kappa Man Malcolm told me “I hope you’re enjoying yourself because you’ll never be around so many Nupes with so few women ever again.” I’m sure he’s right.

 In addition to the general abundance of men, I had a personal highlight. I was finally able to catch up with a Kappa that I met years ago. Let’s call him Kappa Man Tariq. I remembered that dude was cute but I didn’t remember him being that fine and sexy. Good Lord. Fortunately, he lives in the place where I’m relocating so it’s worth staying in touch with that one. I mean he was incredibly sexy… swoon


Okay. So there are tens of thousands of Black men roaming the three streets that make up downtown Indy. That’s the quantity factor, now let’s look at the quality factor. Three out of four Kappas were married. The fourth was gay or in a committed relationship. That means that 100% of the Kappas were unavailable to you for purchase. If you thought you were going to traipse the streets of Konclave and get chose, you may have been disappointed. My new friend, Kappa Man Corey, said it best, “if you came here trying to get chose, you gonna leave mad.” Well said, Kappa man Corey.

He’s right though. You’re meeting these men out of the context of their daily lives. Most of them left their significant others home to try and relive their undergraduate hedonism with their line brothers. Serious courtship and girlfriend recruitment is the antithesis of all of that. I was clear about this from the outset, so I enjoyed my window-shopping experience. Chatted it up, danced it up, drank it up, flirted it up, and then went home alone.


When I say “hell” I don’t mean it in the sense that anything about the weekend was torturous. I mean hell in terms of where people are going because of all the sinning they were doing! So there was daytime Konclave where you saw the brothers strolling the streets, gripping each other up, and hollering at cute girls. We get that.  That’s PG-rated. Everyday life experience.

But then…there’s Konclave after dark. Another friend, Kappa Man Antwan was telling me about strippers in hospitality suites and all kinds of adult recreation. Now while I didn’t witness that, I was out and about on Saturday night and suddenly that delightful ratio of 5,000 men to 1 woman seemed a lot more even. By Saturday busloads of prostitutes magically arrived in Indianapolis. And trust, I’m not assuming they were working women, I know they were working women. Girl crew and I witnessed transactions going down all around us! We even overheard a chick on the phone saying “Girl you need to get here and make some money cuz we fuckin & suckin everything this weekend!’ That’s whoa. By late Saturday night gone were the daytime Kappas and here were the nighttime Nupes.

Well that’s my recap. I had a pretty damn good time. Saw friends and family and bonded with my girls. It was an all around win.

Oh and ladies, if your man was at Konclave you might want to suggest he get tested before you let him stick his cane anywhere near you. I’m here to help.

Author: Jazzy Belle


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Theme song for this post: \”Happy After\” – Algebra Blessett

These are the types of questions that roam around in my head:

  • Would the world be a kinder place if more people took care to guard their hearts?
  • Are all the “good men” really gay, married, or man whores?
  • If women like Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, & Eva Longoria can’t keep a man faithful to them, is it foolish for me to believe that I will one day achieve monogamous bliss?
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more men on a constant high?
  • Is the way to a man’s heart truly through his stomach?
  • Is it really possible to love both God and premarital sex?
  • How many happily married couples actually abstained from sex prior to marriage?
  • Why is virginity something that people lose? Can’t the idea of the first sexual encounter be made into something more positive–maybe something gained?
  • If you wait 30+ years to have sex for the first time, is it possible that you’ll dislike your first time so much that you’ll want to abstain for another 30+ years?
  • Can a woman really be too strong or independent?
  • Has technology really screwed up the idea of a proper courtship?
  • Are all men really the same?
  • Is a woman with advanced degrees intimidating to men with less formal education?
  • Are online dating and speed dating the new dating?
  • Is it ever okay to date a good friend’s ex-boo thang?
  • Why is “happily ever after” so damn hard to achieve?
  • When did life get so effing complicated?

If you’ve got some answers, I’d love to hear (read) them.

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Posted by on July 6, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection


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The middle (part 3 – the marrying kind)

The middle (part 3 – the marrying kind)

For the final installment of stories about my journey back to the middle and back to focusing on what I want in life–a healthy relationship with a single black man–I’m going to tell you what I learned from my friend Henry. At this point I’ve known Henry for most of my life and, as long as I’ve known him, he has always been the marrying type. Even when we were teenagers, he didn’t play the games that other guys played with girls and he was a true friend. He’s never been the type of guy who makes women swoon on sight, but he’s not harsh on the eyes and can charm almost any unsuspecting woman into falling for him. This is probably why Henry is a newlywed. I know…not single, right? This is true, but I want to talk about Henry’s path to the alter, and it’s my blog, so…

here goes:

Before Henry met his wife (hereafter known as Wifey), he had this long, drawn out, on again, off again, luke warm, tug and pull relationship with a girl who had his nose wide open. She, like many strong, professional, black women, couldn’t allow Henry to take the lead in their relationship. While she enjoyed having Henry woo her with showers of expensive gifts and affection, she never allowed him to truly run the show. When she finally realized, during one of those off-again-but-still-connected periods in their relationship, that Henry was considering being serious about a new woman (Wifey to be), she made a huge, public play for his heart. She lost. She was left crying and Henry, though sure about his desire to pursue Wifey, felt like an asshole.

Henry jumped in head first pursuing a relationship with Wifey and they ended up engaged. When I spoke to him after the thrill of the engagement had died down (for those of us on the outside) and a few months before the wedding, he was excited about marriage. In the midst of joking about how expensive it is to plan a wedding and how hard Wifey had him working to make sure all of the details were covered, he told me, “I can honestly say I haven’t regretted it for a minute.” Knowing Henry, though, I wasn’t surprised by this and I told him that. In this same conversation, Henry and I talked about the children he would eventually (probably sooner than later) help bring into the world. He shared his dreams of what their personalities will be like and hopes for who they will become.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned from watching Henry approach relationships over the years is about the kind of men who women seldom talk about–the marrying type. There are some men out there who truly just want to be married. They want to have a committed relationship with one woman and bring children into the world who they can love on and brag about. I’m not saying these men are a dime a dozen, but I do have a few in my friend circle and I know that they are not extinct. Endangered, maybe…but definitely not extinct. The knowledge that these men do actually exist is what keeps me hopeful and open to the possibility that the next man who comes into my life might be the one instead of just another one who will eventually leave my life.

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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection


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CSC – Day Two, “Growth”

My colleagues had me hanging out and drinking (something I hadn’t done for about four months) until the wee morning hours of day two. I still got up early to participate in conference activities, and had every intention on attending a presentation that Douglas was giving. I did not make it to his presentation, but still had a full day. Thus, I was too tired to do much of what I’d planned that evening. Even though I was tired, I still wanted to muster up the energy to go out. I knew Douglas had the low on late night events, so I texted him.

Me: “Hey. Anything going on tonight? What are people doing?”

Doug: “I’m just out with some people having a few drinks.”

Me: “Oh ok. Enjoy!”

Doug: “Let’s hook up. What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing. In the hotel lobby on the Internet.”

Doug: “What? I will be there in 30 minutes.”

After half a cup of tea and a few emails, he showed up. This was the first time I’d seen this man since he disappeared six months ago. He looked nice, but I was not intrigued on first sight of him. In fact, I did not know how to feel about him. It was like seeing an old friend, but rather than excitement to see a friendly face I had a desire to run the other way from this very married man. Conversation with him always led to me throwing morals to the wind, but I was determined that this evening would be different.

When he made his way across the lobby to me, he gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the forehead. I understood that the brevity of the embrace had to do with the fact that we were in a lobby crawling with conference attendees, many of whom may know him and could be paying much closer attention to our interactions than they were letting on. Oddly, the possibility of wandering, interpreting, judging eyes all around us made me much more comfortable…as I was very nervous about saying ‘no’ to this man and sticking to it.

We settled into a conversation, hitting the highlights of the missed months. In between updates of professional accomplishments and upcoming events, he inserted the usual compliments and comments that normally landed me in deep water: “I love your eyes and your lips. I love them” and “I’ll come visit you this summer if you let me” and “My favorite conference experiences involve you”. It was all very flattering, but then he snapped me back to reality when the flattering comments became forward comments, and much too forward for where I was willing to go. It began with the suggestion that we go to my room. I thwarted that advance. I guess he was able to see my concern, because he quickly assured me that we could just talk and he wouldn’t try anything. Even though past actions wouldn’t confirm this, I know better than to fall for that okeydoke. So, I fled the conversation by telling him that I was sharing a room, people were asleep in my room, and my only plans were to go take my shower and go to bed. Not deterred, he fired back with an offer to join me for a shower. I gave him the “I know you know better” eye, and he retorted with the face he makes best—a sly grin. That was pretty much the end of that topic of conversation. We talked about what day 3 of conference life held in store for both of us, shared a hug and went our separate ways—me, proud of myself for being headed to my room alone and him (most likely) defeated for having struck out with me for one of the first times ever.

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Posted by on April 21, 2011 in Conference Season


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