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Category Archives: Future Planning

The Official 2012 Recap

Even though my posts have been non-existent the past few months, I’m going to continue this tradition of closing out the year with a recap and a resolution. I began 2012 be resolving: In 2012, I will not entertain advances from men who are emotionally unavailable…and I vow to guard my heart above all else. I’m proud to report that I accomplished that goal. The unfortunate (depending on your view on these topics) part is that I accomplished it by strapping on an imaginary chastity belt, avoiding communication with previous offenders, and pretty much becoming a social recluse. That stated, I would also like to announce that this behavior just won’t work in the long run and it shan’t accompany me into the new year.

So…here goes nothing: [hand over heart] In 2013, I will continue to guard my heart, especially in the presence of emotionally unavailable men, but I will actively date and engage in the pursuit of relationship happiness.

I will likely begin 2013 with blogs of all the tomfoolery I neglected to write about as this year progressed, including my tactics for maintaining the 2012 resolution; my jaunt into online “dating”; and my calculated, yet unintentional, sexless streak that turned into a celibacy vow (recently broken).

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A quick note on reaching mistress age

This mistress age thing comes up a lot in regular conversation for me. Usually I’m engaged in convo with a female who is describing all of the syptoms of mistress age, but does not yet have the proper terminology (mistress age) for it. The last conversation of this nature sent me to the internet to search for other information on women who have reached the age of mistress-dom.

Here’s what I found: X / 2 + 7.

This is apparently the mathematical formula men should use to determine the optimum age of their next mistress. In this case, X = the man’s age. As a note, if the man’s age is an odd number, he is directed to round down after dividing by 2. For those who have no desire to do these simple calculations themselves, there is a very nice chart provided which matches ages 22-55 with the proper age for their mistress (18-34).

Apparently, at 30 years old, I am fair game for men aged 46 or 47. It’s a little off from my experiences, as most of the married men who make passes at me at about 36-39 in age, and the single ones are either babies (clustering around age 22) or old enough to have fathered me (54+, divorced with children old enough to have resulted from the teenage pregnancy I never had).

Anyhoo, y’all should check out the chart. Regardless of whether or not it’s true, it’s at least entertaining.

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Marriage

 

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He has a crush on me…now what?

This post seems so appropriate following “the talk.” Earlier this month, I mentioned that I’d been learning to be more open in my dating profile. So here’s the deal:

I met this man while out shopping. He approached me in the store, told me how beautiful I was, and that he was new to town. Here is this young, black man, not my type but easy enough on the eyes, complimentary, and up front with his intentions and baggage. In a twenty minute conversation, we learned each others’ back stories and found commonalities between ourselves. He left with my phone number and I left cautious, yet flattered. It was like some oddly awkward and exciting version of speed dating. After that, I went two days without hearing from him. Then, on a random Tuesday afternoon, while at work my office phone rang. I answered, and he said “This is Dominic. I don’t want you to think I’m a stalker or anything, but I couldn’t read my own handwriting [chuckles]. You were right that your name is very unique. I was able to find your contact information at work right away.” After a conversation that felt like a second date, and giving him my phone number again, we made plans for dinner later than evening. Fast forward 5 movie nights, 3 Dominic-cooked meals, 3 outings with my friends, 2 dessert nights, 2 quickies, 1 sleep over, and 4 weeks later…and this man tells me that he has a crush on me. Rather than being flattered, I was caught off guard and reacted with sarcasm and a tinge of jealousy.

So now, you’re probably trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with a crush. The answer to that lies in the details I’ve left out–the most important of which is his girlfriend. Yes, you read correctly. He has a girlfriend. She lives several states away, which leaves his free time completely open to court me and whomever else his heart desires. The girlfriend wasn’t a dealbreaker for me upon meeting him, because he was forthcoming with his relationship status and direct in telling me that the relationship was rocky. His subsequent behavior led me to believe that everything he’d told me originally was true. Then came a weekend when we were both planning to travel–I was taking a family vacation and he was planning a mini-road trip. As I drove to the airport, he and I were on the phone discussing our respective weekend plans. In the midst of that discussion…

Dom: Well you know Kaye is coming this weekend.

Me: Who?

Dom: Kaye.

Me: Ray?

Dom: Kaye.

Me: Who is Ray?

Dom: You know, the girl from [insert hometown here].

Me: [thinking: Girl?! Maybe he didn’t just say Ray…Did he say Kaye? From ____? Oh hell naw…his girlfiriend?]Don’t act like I know her name. We never talk about her. I thought you were going to [next state over] this weekend.

Dom: I am. I’m off until Tuesday.

That was a wake up call for me. First off, “the girl from home” is not the same thing as “my girlfriend.” Secondly, a girlfriend who is coming to visit you, and for whom you are taking vacation days, is not the same thing as the other half of a relationship that’s on the rocks. Suddenly, I realized that I had found myself right back in the place that I didn’t want to be–as a wedge in the middle of an otherwise functional(?) relationship.

Since that day, I’ve attempted to bow out of the contest for his attention and affection. We talk a lot less, but we still see each other frequently enough (i.e. 2 weeks, 2 movie nights, 1 Dom-cooked meal, 2 outings with my friends, and 1 dessert night have happened since I made the decision to fall back). It’s a little difficult to shake him, because (as previously mentioned) he’s new to town and I’m his first-friend-in-a-new-place-crutch. I’ve introduced him to people, but he would rather hold onto his crutch (me) than strike out on his own. For example, when people invite him places, rather than just responding, he checks with me to see if I’m planning to go first. It’s odd…but anyway back to the story: So…when he looked me in my eye and announced his “crush” two nights ago, it sounded more like tired game to me than flattery. That tends to happen when I listen with one ear focused on reality. Here’s how that went…

Dom: I can’t help it that I have a crush on you. I like you. I like seeing you. Have you noticed that I only come out places when you’re around? I come because I hope that I’ll get to see you. I have a crush on you.

Me: Well Im crushable.

Dom: That you are.

Me: Yep. Crushable. Just not datable.

Dom: What do you mean? I think you’re datable. I’d date you.

Me: That’s a moot point. You have a girlfriend.

Dom: Who I’m clearly not worried about. I like you. You’re pretty…

Me: Well thank you

Dom: …and you have a good heart.

Me: I *do* have a good heart…

Dom:  I can tell that. I watch you.

Me: …but you on the other hand…you’re more like an asshole. [sidebar: he really can be quite rude to people]

Dom: I know! But you balance me out…in so many ways. You’ve got a good heart. I’m an ass. You’re brown. I’m light-skinned…

That conversation was like a minature version of “the talk” for me. Though it didn’t lend me much clarity on where he stands, it helped me clarify where I stand. I’m not flattered by Dominic’s crush, and even if he were free to date me, I don’t think I am able to trust him in a monogamous relationship.  

Moving on. I’ve really got to figure out how to move out of this zone where people have crushes on me to a place where they actually want to (and are free to) date me. Once I get to datable, I’ll be looking for the road signs that point me towards marry-able. I’m trying to make moves out here!

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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Raised to be Single

Are black girls raised to be single?

I was watching last week’s episode of Toya, and there was a scene when Memphitz, Toya’s husband-to-be, and T-Pain were sitting around talking about marriage. T-Pain has apparently been happily married since he was 18 year old (2003)…who knew?! Anyhoo, T-Pain was cautioning Memphitz that marrying a black girl would mean less forgiveness and less leeway to eff up in the relationship (actually, he said one chance). Without hesitation, Memphitz made a comment that black girls were raised to be single and they both agreed on that point. Here are two young (late 20s) black men having a candid conversation…and, even as one of them embarks upon what he intends to be a lifelong relationship with a black woman, this is what they believe to be true. So, this is my question: are little black girls really raised to be single? Are we instilled with characteristics and survival mechanisms under the assumption that we will live life alone? I do not purport to have the answer to this question, but I do find it an interesting one to ponder.

As I look around me and notice that the ratio of married to unmarried black girls in my circle is about 50%, I know that some black women are successful in attaining un-single status. Yet, when I think about the environments in which lots of (if not most) black girls are raised, I can’t help but believe that this question holds some merit. Regardless of the usual factors thrown out as explanations (i.e., how many parents are in the home, the presence of a stable male figure in the home, socioeconomic status, family values, etc.), I think a majority of black children are exposed to a range of people/families that span the spectrum on all of those factors. Whether it’s our neighbors, our cousins, or classmates, our barbers/beauticians, or whomever, we get a chance to observe and learn about life  on each end of those spectrums. We see one-parent, two-parent, and no-parent households. We see the relationships that people have with their “real daddy”, step daddy, God daddy, mama’s boyfriend, and/or no one. We know the difference between people who live on section 8, those who live hood rich, those who make due, and those who are truly living large. My point: black kids are exposed to a lot. While I believe exposure is a good thing, I also believe there’s such a thing as too much exposure.

Maybe little black girls who are exposed to all the possibilities of how life’s path can lead to something other than marital bliss develop some combination of cautionary characteristics–independence, distrust, loquaciousness, loyalty, bitterness, promiscuity, etc.–that lead to singledom. Or maybe, just maybe, we develop characteristics so noble that only a select few men are able and willing to take the necessary steps to love us. I really don’t know. What do you think?

 
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Posted by on July 24, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Marriage, Reflection

 

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Sick.

This is the first guest blog for sbfchronicle.com. It was written by my friend NOLAgirl, and it tells her story of cycling in and out of relationships with the same man. The theme Song for this blog is “Lovesick” by Priscilla Renea. Enjoy!_________________________________________________________________________________________

When I was 19, I met a 6’4” chocolaty man that I KNEW would give me pretty babies. We had speech class right after lunch together. After that, I would usually speed off to Accounting class. That pattern changed one day when it rained. Thank God for rain! He wanted to use my umbrella to go back to his apartment, and in order to get it he had to walk with me to my dorm first. It was LOVE. I knew it was love, even though he thought it was just lust and the possibility of good sex. So we broke up because even at 19 I knew I was NOT that girl.

At 21 I saw him again; he was thicker and still fine, with a child in tow. I was so blind to the situation that I fell happily, stupidly, giddily in love with him…and I mean the kind of love where every song on the radio was about him and being in love with him. I graduated and went back home. He graduated and did the same. I lived in New Orleans and he lived in Dallas. So sure was I about our love that I believed the long distance would work. In the whirlwind of young love bliss, I was ready and willing to leave the comfort of New Orleans and my family to live in Texas (this was pre Katrina so my hate of the state was not yet formed). I just needed more than “I want you here” from him. I was 24, and I needed the promise or at least the hope of marriage and pretty babies before I was 27. But alas, he did not want immediate marriage, I did not want shacking up, he could not bend, and I would not break so again we parted.

This is where I should insert that Einstein said (at least according to other people) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Continuing on…when in 2006 I got a phone call of missed love fresh from the Air Force training, I assumed it was actually MISSED LOVE. Instead, it turned out to be that a person in basic training misses a companion with a soft body, full hips and apple bottom more than anything else. He came out of training on the prowl, and who was a comfortable go to girl? Me. It’s not that I don’t think I meant more to him than that, but I know that I did not mean everything I wanted to mean to him.

**side note: a man fresh out of basic training is FINE. I think the heartbreak was almost worth being with a man that had been around men for 6 weeks working out, perfecting his stamina. It’s the closest I will ever come to fresh outta prison sex (I hope)

We again embarked on the same relationship where very little changed but I somehow expected it to work out. This time the crash and burn was not a full year later, but a few months. Heartbroken and in tears, I knew this was our final goodbye. I was 27. It had been 8 years. I could not, would not, ever again in life…and yet, there was still a part of me that at least wished he wanted to.

So imagine my surprise, when for my 32nd birthday a week ago, I got a call. I was at the Essence Festival concert, dancing and singing/screaming to New Edition. Thus, I could not answer the phone, but I knew that I liked the name on the phone (yes, I updated him in every phone, though I did remove the lewd pictures). I have not had a conversation with this man since 2007, so my return call was first greeted with simple catch up chitchat. The conversation quickly moved to “you were always the one for me”, “I never stopped loving you”, and “I miss you”. Still aware of the reality, I replied with, “You miss having sex with me, you broke my heart, 32 year old [me] is not 22 year old [me] and I can’t do this with you again.” I know this man enough to understand that his “I miss you” is more about him missing one aspect of us. The difference between him and me is that I loved every aspect of us. He may want one thing, and in all of my weakness I want to give it to him fully, freely, and lovingly. But I know that I can’t or at least that I shouldn’t. There are some people in this world I can have sex with because they do things I like well, and it can be just that: consensual fun. With this one, though, I will not leave like I came. I will want more and fall in love again and get heartbroken again.

Jill Scott said, “me non-clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible.” The thing is that I remember what it felt like to be with a person that I believed was the 10—my perfect vision of what I wanted in a mate, in a man, from a friend, from a lover.  But at 32 years old, I know where this is headed and I know it won’t end well. I would have to be clearly insane to run back to familiar. And I must be crazy, because I can readily admit to myself, if not to him, that I still want this man.

Cher had hits in every decade. I can’t let him break my heart now for my 30’s. He did it when I was a  teen, in my twenties x 2! But now?! When will I be the smarter person?

Author: NOLAgirl

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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Questions

Theme song for this post: \”Happy After\” – Algebra Blessett

These are the types of questions that roam around in my head:

  • Would the world be a kinder place if more people took care to guard their hearts?
  • Are all the “good men” really gay, married, or man whores?
  • If women like Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, & Eva Longoria can’t keep a man faithful to them, is it foolish for me to believe that I will one day achieve monogamous bliss?
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more men on a constant high?
  • Is the way to a man’s heart truly through his stomach?
  • Is it really possible to love both God and premarital sex?
  • How many happily married couples actually abstained from sex prior to marriage?
  • Why is virginity something that people lose? Can’t the idea of the first sexual encounter be made into something more positive–maybe something gained?
  • If you wait 30+ years to have sex for the first time, is it possible that you’ll dislike your first time so much that you’ll want to abstain for another 30+ years?
  • Can a woman really be too strong or independent?
  • Has technology really screwed up the idea of a proper courtship?
  • Are all men really the same?
  • Is a woman with advanced degrees intimidating to men with less formal education?
  • Are online dating and speed dating the new dating?
  • Is it ever okay to date a good friend’s ex-boo thang?
  • Why is “happily ever after” so damn hard to achieve?
  • When did life get so effing complicated?

If you’ve got some answers, I’d love to hear (read) them.

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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Who has time to date?

Last week, I read this blog about women being too busy for love. It made me think about whether my schedule is literally too jam packed to add another consistent (at least when it’s done right) activity like dating. The question at hand is whether women really have time to date. And my answer is that I don’t…not in my day-to-day life. The truth is, my daily life is full of other stuff. I usually run from meeting to meeting and commitment to commitment, all while texting, checking emails, playing scrabble and/or words with friends, catching up on my social media networks, and chatting with my family and friends. My schedule leaves barely enough time to ensure life’s necessities, such as a balanced diet, filling my gas tank, washing my clothes, knowing what’s happening on my favorite shows, doing my hair, and cleaning my house. So, where would I find time to connect with and entertain a mate?

I have this ritual I attempt to complete every few months where I focus time on decluttering my life. I cut out things that require an inappropriate amount of my time without adding substantive value to my life or character. When I talk about dating–even though it’s not something I currently do with any sort of frequency–I often state (and I believe) that I would have time for dating if the right man was involved. On the other hand, I’ve been known to say that a long-distance relationship would be best for me because it would allow me to schedule my relationship the way that I schedule the rest of my life. I could maintain the chaos of my daily life, taking breaks every so often to spend time with “him” whomever he may be. Unfortunately, though, that’s not the way relationships work. 

The crazy thing is that the life I described in the first paragraph is pretty synonymous with many of the single people I know. That’s not to say that we don’t find/take time to socialize and enjoy ourselves, but even social time is just as planned and scheduled as everything else. There’s not much space for spontaneity or flexibility.

So, again I ask, do you seriously have time to date?

 
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Posted by on June 28, 2011 in Dating, Future Planning, Reflection

 

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