I was at dinner with a SBF girlfriend earlier this week. We were shooting the breeze as usual, which means catching up on tales from the men in our lives. In the midst of our conversation, she inserted my favorite quote of the week: “My mama used to say, ‘Chase him until he catches you.'” What a concept, right? Chase him until he catches you. Translation: If you have your sight set on a man, you should (1) stay on his radar and (2) allow yourself to be caught. Be a bugaboo if you have to, but not so much of a bugaboo that you scare him away. In other words, express some interest!
Okay, so this got me to thinking that I should check in with Better. So, I threw caution (better known as all the voices in my head saying that I should be weaning myself off of him) to the wind, and sent him a text (baby steps, right?). Here’s a paraphrase of our conversation:
Me: Hey, what are you doing this week?
Him: Working, hanging out. You?
Me: Much of the same, minus the hanging out, plus you if you’re available and have an opening.
(At this point, I knew something was up, because normally if I throw even the memory of sex in the air, Better jumps at it! Since he wasn’t replying, I decided to move along with my evening and occupy myself with stuff I needed to get done around the house)
Him: Ummmmm, I’m kind of talking to someone and I don’t wanna eff it up by doing what I said I wouldn’t.
Me: Oh, ok. No problem. I understand and respect it…plus I don’t begrudge anyone a relationship, so good luck!
Him: Thanks for understanding. I stared at your text for like 30 minutes.
Me: LOL, well I knew someone would snatch you up at some point. It was good while it lasted and I’ll leave it at that.
(At this point, I wanted the conversation to end permanently. He did not need to reply, and should hope that our paths didn’t cross anytime soon. As I began to think about it, I got heated. Who is this woman he’s “talking” to? And how long has this been going on? He clearly must have already been talking to her the last time we were together. And what did he tell her he wouldn’t do?! I know he has other women on his roster and a couple of exes who could potentially be still hanging around. Is it one of them, or all they all getting dropped too? Damn…did I really just get cut from a team? People don’t cut me. I’m me! WTF? Okay, wait…why am I trippin? When this arrangmement first popped off, we were both clear that neither of us were looking for a relationship. Well, when the hell did this change for him? Has it changed for me? Do I wish I was her? I don’t think so. I do wish I still had access to something that was better than chocolate. He’s clearly my star player. And he just quit the team! Damn, this sucks! …and then…40 minutes later, after I’d already had my miniature break down and my first of 3 venting sessions that evening, he replied)
Him: LOL, I wouldn’t say I’m snatched up. And it was good. Damn…
(Now I’m thinking ‘triflin’ ass men ain’t shit!’ Either you is or you ain’t with somebody else. If you can’t continue our arrangement then you must be headed down the road to relationship bliss. Why doesn’t this man stop texting me and go call his soon-to-be girlfriend?!)
Me: Listen here. Off the market = snatched up. And if I’m going to remain respectful, I have to think of you as unavailable. I’m sure you understand that.
Him: LOL – I understand.
Me: [golden silence]
Do y’all understand what just happened here? I went from “chasing” a man who I wanted to show me some attention to losing the best thing (in some ways) I had going. And now, I’m troubled…because, well…because y’all remember how Better got his name, right? I cannot go back to subpar when I know better. And thus, maybe this is the beginning of celibacy for me. One thing I definitely know is that this is the beginning of my prayers that God sends me a man who I will feel the need to nickname “Best”…because I can’t imagine living out all the days of my life with a partner named “Good” when I’ve known (in the Biblical sense) Better.
My heart is heavy behind losing Better. So, at this point, I’m accepting condolences only. *deep sigh*